Friday, September 25, 2009


Sorry, again, for the long absence...I could feel bad about not writing for so long, but I feel bad about so many other things already that I think I won't go there, haha.

This past month I've been getting more depressed again, I think. I don't know why and this is frustrating. Not anywhere near my worst levels of depression or anything, but enough that I can feel it. I feel it in my body; I'm tired (but not as tired as I have been at some points); my, excuse the TMI, sex drive has decreased quite a bit. I'm sad but seemingly unable to cry, or at least I haven't had a good cry in quite a while. (And I have had good cries since starting on my antidepressants so I don't think it's those; I hope not at least.) I've had my thyroid and iron levels checked, and they came out fine. It is possible that I could have sleep apnea, so I will be getting tested for that in a couple of weeks.

Life-wise....I studied a lot for the GRE and did incredibly well on it, but have taken very little pleasure from this fact. I've been quite stressed about applying for jobs. I am pushing myself, working hard, but I feel bad nonetheless. And it feels like I've lost some motivation socially, have been a little withdrawn, been making less effort to meet up with people, etc.

I started playing this multi-player game online (a strategy game, with teams you work with); got a lot of energy from it for a while b/c it was really nice to have constant access to a social environment, but took on more responsibility within the game and it became stressful, am playing a lot less now.....

My closest relationships are all in perfectly fine shape; still have lovely roommates, good family, friends to talk with.....

I just

feel myself slowly sinking

not in the sense of feeling like I will sink very far; it's not like quickly sinking through water, but rather slowly sinking in mud

not too deep of mud

but mud nonetheless

And I don't know why.

I don't think I'll be here forever, but I am frustrated, because....I was feeling better not too long ago, and I don't know what changed.

Only thing to do is to keep plodding along. I mentioned that my therapist said I have perseverence. I have perseverence because the thought of living my entire life this way is just too awful; I have no other option but to keep struggling forward (or even keep struggling when falling backward a bit; the point is: keep struggling). It would be nice to feel good. That's possible, right?

Lol, sorry for the depressing the post. I guess that's what you get for reading a blog about depression. :p