Grey today

I have so many ideas for great posts, but I just don't have it in me this week to write them. I had been feeling like I'd been making a lot of progress, measured by increased energy, happiness, and enjoyment. But with just one not-great week those feelings have gone into deep hiding; I guess they're still pretty fragile.

So much in my life right now is good: I have a great apartment with great roommates, I met several cool people this week, I've been social, I've been attending tutoring training for a volunteer program I'm excited to be joining....

But with just a few daily-life challenges (a friend in a tough spot, a painful moment in therapy, and rapidly mounting feelings of guilt), I feel like the wind has gone completely out of my sails, or even that the sails have been torn. I am now unable to catch the wind; good things cannot penetrate my mood. For example, for a few minutes today I felt excited about meeting my student in the tutoring program. But quickly the feeling faded; it was not strong enough to withstand the unhappiness flooding my system.

I am taking a minute to sit with my sadness. I feel it pull on my body like gravity, beckoning me toward the earth, toward slumber. I can feel my heart beat, its pulse slow and steady. I don't know why I'm so tired; is it just the sadness manifesting itself physically?

I am choosing to give myself over to rest. Perhaps if I lie here and let myself feel the sadness pulse through me, it will then move on. I am trying to practice letting myself feel pain, because that is part of getting back in touch with my emotions. It's a fine line to walk though, because you want to feel the pain but not get mired in it. Maybe I am feeling so down now because I was not letting myself feel the smaller bits of pain day-to-day; maybe I was trying to force myself to be happy; maybe it's something you cannot force.

So I will lie here and rest, feel. I will say to myself, "I feel so bad, so guilty, so sad." And then maybe that will allow me to move on; maybe after that there will be space again in my body for good feelings. I'll let you know how it goes.

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Letting you know how it goes: I think I do have to feel the pain, but then I also have to actively work through some of the scenarios I'm feeling bad about and try to gain some perspective on them. Otherwise I become mired. So, on to that now. Hmm, even just saying that gives me a bit of a smile, a bit of lightness to my mood.

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Hahahah, or maybe it just takes is a couple of cute songs and videos, such as http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1908741 and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tjC0mYfcrg . Maybe I really did just need to feel sad and (in my personal journal) articulate some of my sadness, because I'm actually feeling better, at least for the moment.