I stood up for myself today

And I feel great!

Whenever somebody criticizes me in any way, I take it to heart. I see criticism everywhere; any hint from anyone that they think I've acted other than perfectly is perceived by my brain as "You're a bad person, Kate." I'm so ready to see my fault, and in my fault see my essential inadequacy, that I automatically assume that the other person is right. And by "right", I mean that they are right to have realized the deep, dark truth that I am a failure.

Now, over the last several years, I've begun to learn to produce a counter-narrative in my brain that takes apart my reaction of self-criticism. For example, my former boss sometimes yelled at me for how I completed a task, and I would feel really bad and inadequate. But I would also remind myself that I actually did the task the way he told me to, and that I wasn't responsible for him changing the procedure without telling me. This type of counter-narrative, this self-defense, has helped me weather criticism more than I used to be able to, but it has not erased the fact that my gut still wants to say, "you're guilty Kate." After all, I am so ready to believe that I'm a failure that I internally agreed with my boss every time he yelled at me despite the fact that I fully understood that he was fickle and abusive.

So if being criticized by a person who I know is wrong still has that much power over me, you can maybe imagine how I feel when I'm criticized by someone who I'm close to and who I trust.

Last Thursday, my therapist criticized a decision I made. This was very unusual behavior for her, and I took what she said very much to heart, assuming that she was right to criticize. I spent much of the time between then and today (Tuesday) agonizing over what she said. I felt guilty--if my decision was wrong, my emotions reasoned, that had to be a sign of how bad of a person I am. I felt sad--my trust with my therapist had been violated in a way. And, dare I say it, I even felt a little angry. But I also talked with some friends about what had happened, and they helped me regain some confidence in my original decision. The more I discussed, and the more I thought, the more I was able to realize that I disagreed with my therapist's analysis. As my confidence grew, my guilt and sadness and anger subsided.

And when I went to therapy today, I told all of this to my therapist. I told her how what she had said made me feel, how bad it hurt. I told her specifically why I disagreed with her criticism and where I thought her analysis was flawed.

And god bless her, she truly listened. She acknowledged that what she said last week was out of character and outside of her role as therapist. (As both she and I see it, it is not a therapist's place to tell you how to live your life; that in fact would be very counterproductive.) She acknowledged how much it hurt me, and she respected the reasons I gave in defense of the decision in question.

And that felt amazing. It felt amazing to actually stand up for myself, to tell someone I care about that they hurt me. It felt amazing to have my concerns acknowledged and addressed. I've never before been able to so fully work through a criticism someone gave me, to so fully triumph over it. I actually, truly don't feel remnants of guilt about the decision I made. I feel confident in it. I've quieted my doubts and self-criticisms surrounding it. I'm proud of myself for how I handled the criticism. I'm proud of myself for my courage. I feel strong and alive.