As I stumbled into the kitchen this morning in search of breakfast, I was hit by this thought: I'm really growing up; I'm pretty damn grown up. Not that there isn't more growing to do (there is *always* more growing to do, which to me is truly a joy to know--I don't plan to ever stop!), but for the first time in my life, I feel like an adult. I feel strong and confident and ready to face the challenges ahead of me with wisdom and integrity. Holy cow!
Strength has always been part of my make-up; I've survived tough times (parents' divorce, loneliness as a youth, years of depression); I've done hard things (nerve-wracking tests and performances, challenging university coursework, teaching eighth grade, questioning my religious beliefs); I've always lived with integrity, always been mature for my age. But what I feel now is different.
I was raised by a hard-nosed realist who insisted on responsibility and integrity and hard work and never taking the easy way out. I deeply absorbed these values and am very much indebted to them, but they also came at a cost. I came to see the world as a place where a truly joyful life would never be more than a fantasy, always to be intruded upon by the reality of hard work to be done and hard decisions to be made. I came to fear "hard truths" because I believed they would either puncture my current, fragile positive emotions, or they would add yet another layer of burden to my deep sense of emptiness and void. I did face "hard truths" and choose hard paths, but only out of a sense of duty. And it was oh-so-draining. Depression is so hard, ay!
In recent years, because I simply couldn't take it anymore, I've backed away from the "hard truths" model of life. For years the idea of responsibility has terrified me and I've shied away from it; the specter of dread duty sucking the life out of me has hovered increasingly too close for comfort. I've tried to learn to take it easy on myself and to enjoy things without feeling guilty, and I've made a lot of progress on both counts. I've tried to give myself permission to do what I want, to not worry about the truth all the time, to not worry about integrity all the time, to just live.
I am learning to just live, which is to say, I am learning to live, and it is beautiful and wonderful. And as I have given myself permission to do this, and as I have begun to find the real joy in life, I find myself coming full-circle. I now have the energy, courage, even desire to delve into the hard truths, the challenges of life. I can now brave pain, because now it is not pain on top of excruciatingly low self-esteem, or pain on top of a grey and hopeless world-view; now it is pain that is just part of the flow of life, that does not have the power to undermine my joy in the world or in my new-found confidence. Hard truths no longer threaten my positive emotions because I now know that joy is not a fantasy, but that it is the real stuff of life.
I am so strong! I am ready to challenge myself, to ask hard questions, to do hard things, and to not only survive the pain but thrive in spite of it, to rejoice in the knowledge of my own strength, to rejoice in my continued growth. I am ready to go out there, take risks, experience magic, feel pain, and LIVE through it all! Integrity and responsibility are not dread duties; they are challenges that I elect for myself, because I know that I am fantastic, and I plan to see how far I can go in this incredible journey.
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Kate, it's wonderful to see how self-aware you are. Yes! You are strong! It's great to hear about the positive foundation you are building that is letting you enjoy life and is even making tough things seem easier.
ReplyDeleteYou express it so well, too. I especially like your last line, "I know that I am fantastic, and I plan to see how far I can go in this incredible journey." Inspiring! I have spent far too much time worrying in my past, and have been learning to cultivate more of the positive emotions in the last few years. I agree that "joy is not a fantasy, but that it is the real stuff of life." (I have often wondered if what we usually call "optimism" is actually closer to reality than "realism" is. What do you think?)
I love your description of feeling grown up, too - a few months ago I had a similar feeling, like, "Wow, I'm a stable and balanced adult!" Somehow I didn't imagine that the feeling would sneak up on me like that. I also didn't imagine how youthful I could still feel while feeling like an adult. It's kind of fun!
Thanks for sharing yourself in this blog!
Love,
Emily
Ah, Emily, thank you so much, it's so lovely to hear from you! Yeah, I feel like being grown up, as I'm experiencing it, is about being open to life, knowing that you can take the hard stuff, so there's something very youthful about that, about not shutting yourself off, but keeping an open heart. I'm so glad you've been feeling more positive things in recent years too. :) I'm glad you're learning how to worry less--it's so important to letting yourself be open to life!!! To being willing to take risks--you have to not be constantly planning ahead for the pain on the horizon, to not be constantly watching for the pain on the horizon--but to just let yourself try things and feel whatever may come from it. :) Yay for life!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for posting! We must catch up soon!!!
Love,
Kate
Kate, I started reading your blog and didn't stop until I got caught up to the most recent posting. Incredible. You are so strong, and you have inspired me to face my own self-deprecating thoughts-- to challenge the belief that others' opinions of me, my conduct, my way of life/thinking are more valuable than my own. Thank you, and I'm so glad you're sharing your journey. More so, I am thrilled you are finding your happiness. I will stay tuned.
ReplyDeleteLove, Anna
Wow Anna, I'm so honored. :) Yes, absolutely, challenge your self-deprecating thoughts; you are, and no one else is, the person actually living your life, so what you think is the most important. You can listen to the ideas of others, but they're not the ones who get up each morning and be and live the life of Anna Skaggs (to be so lucky haha--you're SO fantastic Anna!)--it is YOUR life. :) Still learning that one myself, but it's getting easier; always refreshing to remind myself of it, thank you! :) Thank you so much for your support. :)
ReplyDeleteLove,
Kate