Loved and inspired (Or: My dream. Or: Profundity. Or: JOY)

I've been having a hard time deciding how to go about this post. I had a fantastic weekend; profound even; so much so that I'm not sure how to do it justice in the format of a blog post.

My friends, here and elsewhere, really really love me. I'm starting to believe this not only on an intellectual level, but also in my heart. I am a person who can be, and is in fact, deeply loved. I am deeply loved. I wish I could properly express how long of a journey it has been, how far I've come, to begin to understand these words. Thank you, to all of you who have given me so much, who give me so much.

I also met an incredible person this weekend who gave me, among many other things, this question: "What is your dream?"

The question of what to do with my life has terrified me for years. Through the lens of my depression, every time I dared peek at my long-range future, all I could see was a deathly boredom, a quiet despair. I'm incredibly intelligent, talented, passionate, but any career I imagined brought with it the specter of eventual boredom, of emptiness, of confirmation of the fear that life could not bring me satisfaction. I've avoided the question, "what is your dream?" because I feared it would reveal an unbearably dark truth: that I have no dream, that I will always be unhappy.

The person I met this weekend beautifully exemplifies a life lived free of the fear that plagues me. He is audacious; when he has an idea, he brings it to life. And he audaciously, persistently asked me again and again, "What is your dream?" I floundered at first, but within the spirit of possibility he provided, my brain found room to work on the question. And it found, I found, a potential answer.

I would love to create, or help create, a curriculum for K-12 social science education that develops strong critical thinking skills in students. I would get a double-phd in education and history. (Is such a thing even possible/sane? Maybe one phd would be enough haha.) I would also teach for several years, and go back to the classroom every few years--it's so important to stay connected with the realities of teaching. This project, this kind of work, has the potential to combine my love of people, my passion for education, my fascination with social science, my intellect, and my writing skills to let me do something profound. Also, I have the relatively unique position of having grown up in and really understanding "normal" middle America while also having had access to rigorous education and radical ideas, which could (combined with some luck in the wind) give me the ability to write a curriculum that truly promotes critical thinking while remaining politically palatable to state governments/boards of education.

I'm somewhat afraid to put this idea out in the public sphere because it's very big; perhaps it reads as a pipe-dream, or sounds horribly out of touch with the realities of public education in the U.S. But this blog is about courage, no? So world, here is my dream: I want to make the kind of education I was so so lucky to receive at an elite university accessible to the children, the people, of America. I can actually see myself spending my life in this kind of work; I can look at this future without cowering in terror; I can face it with energy and hope.

Also, I feel so good that I find myself turning to the words of Alanis Morisette, "that I would be good even if I did nothing." These words are not the paradox that they seem.

It is the belief "that I would be good even if I did nothing" that will give me the freedom to embark upon a journey toward such a grand vision. It is not the work that will make me good. I am good; it is my knowledge that I am good no matter what that creates the freedom for me to explore my potential.

Oh joyful, joyful day.