Ok, my much-appreciated readers, I am going to submit an inquiry to you, and I would love to hear any input at all that you can think of.
As you probably know, I have a tendency to feel like nothing I do is ever good enough, that there is no way for me to be a good enough person. Intellectually, I can talk myself into believing that I am a good person--but emotionally, I feel perpetually insufficient, not good enough. Guilt is my constant companion--I can always find something to feel guilty about. For example, when I'm caught up on my current responsibilities, I sometimes turn to feeling guilty about mistakes I made as a teacher--even though I was trying very hard, it was my first year teaching with virtually no training, I helped a lot of my kids, and it was well over a year ago. My therapist wants me to really challenge this belief, which is very deeply ingrained in me. So, I was like, yeah, I'd like to change this belief: I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I'm not good enough, which is, of course, very painful, and which I think is at the core of my depression. But I'm not sure what to replace this belief with.
I figure I need to start by taking, "Nothing I do is ever good enough," and replacing it with, "There IS such a thing as good enough."
That's a start, and here is where I'd like to solicit any ideas from you. Do you have any beliefs about what qualifies as "good enough"? If you feel like a good person, why do you feel like this? Or even if you don't, do you have any ideas for how you *could* feel like a good person? When do you feel satisfied, or proud of yourself? What makes you feel good about yourself? Do you think that there are certain actions that make a person good enough, or do you think that all humans are inherently good enough (no matter how horrible of things they do)? etc. etc. Don't worry about whether your ideas are "smart" enough or "perceptive" enough or anything like that--I just want to hear lots of ideas! Put them out there!
I truly appreciate any thoughts! If you don't want to leave your thoughts in the comment section, you can also send me a private email at kjlammers at gmail dot com.
Thank you!
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I think I feel good about myself when I'm being proactive about something: doing something, making something, accomplishing something, pursuing something, etc. I like to have things that I really take ownership of. At the same time, I think I need feedback from other people I like and respect. Not necessarily an explicit "good job" or "we're proud of you," but instead an implicit approval or a shared enthusiam.
ReplyDelete~Melinda
Teaching without training is hard for anyone! I never felt fully satisfied as a teacher which caused a lot of heartache for me, and honestly, it still does. Yet, after stepping back and reflecting on the intense complexities that educators face and all of the issues that children go through outside of the school, I am happy to have consistently shared a warm-heart and body in midst of life's chaos.
ReplyDeleteI think stepping back and looking at the big picture helps me get through tough times.
-A. Aleman
Hey Kate -- I feel "good enough" when I lose myself in a project to the extent that I completely forget about myself, and thus cannot worry about whether or not I am "good enough." I get in a beautiful flow where I have a goal, I'm helping somebody, and I'm with a great team of people. I think the last criterion is really key for me. When I'm working with the right team of people, a team that not only values my input but also shares my goals and values, I feel amazing.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I don't know if you have any religious leanings, but the other day in mass, my priest said, "Grace is in abundance." I wrote it in lipstick on my mirror when I got home. When he said that, I felt an immense calm. All I need is available to me, and if I just relax and stop worrying, it will all flow out to make the world a better place and me a deeply contented inhabitant of that world.
-- B. England
well, to be honest (you asked for it) I have a couple strategies. One is pleasing everyone and getting external validation that I'm good enough, or trying to be so instrumental and helpful to people that they "couldn't have" without me, i.e. seeing other's dependance on me as a reason I should exist. The other is working to the point that I can't anymore--doing my best with whatever capacity I have and then saying "fuck it, that's all i got" and trying to remember that nothing i do or dont do is actually that important in the scheme of things: what is the material impact? what did it actually change? how is this my problem? it's not. I'm not the center, anything I do contribute is better than nothing, and I'm not actually powerful enough as an individual to fuck everything up, so my mistakes just aren't as big a deal as they seem. "good enough" for what? I think my strategy is to de personalize the not good enought feeling...yeah I'm not "good enough" to make everyone in my life happy all the time and end the prison industrial complex and Zionism...but no one is. that doesn't exist. Sometimes, I give myself permission to just enjoy something. To play hooky from incessant obligation and daily life. I flake out on whatever plans I have, do something totally not productive, paint, read fiction, eat something delicious, watch TV. Just enjoy some good old fashion rebellion against what I'm "supposed" to do and thouroughly enjoy hedonism. I hide from the world and get away with it, and I can't afford to care whether or not it's okay, so I don't.
ReplyDeleteI feel good about myself when I act on my truth. When I articulate whats true for me, when I "say what I need to say" even though its hard. I feel proud of myself and good about myself when I stand up for myself or for something I beleive in in a direct, interpersonal, interrupting the predominate dynamics way. When I notice who is being excluded and include them. When I act on principles and ethics in ways that feel sincere and organic, not just hip and public. often, the organizing work I do that I'm most proud of is totally invisible and has to do with secret moments of compassion and kindness or vulnerability. I feel good about myself when I walk past donuts or do something that I know is good for myself that I'm not always sure I can do. Hard stuff that I do because I beleive in it, acting in line with my principle. Also, making fun of or weakening or raging against shit that makes me feel oppressed makes me feel good about myself. Making fun of hegemonic christianity or venting about white supremacy and classism makes me feel good about myself because it's saying: people are good, systems of oppression mess us up, but i can see the oppression and that helps me see people as people and oppression as oppression. plus anger and humor protect me from it and help me face it in a human, grounded, open way.
whew.
see you soon, love.
-Toby
Thank you all so so much for your comments. One thing I noticed while reading these comments is that there were things each of you mentioned that I do--and I just am not in the habit of letting myself feel good about doing them. I really appreciate being given an example of that, being shown that it is actually possible for people to feel good about what they are doing. Perhaps that is a skill I will, too, learn someday. :)
ReplyDelete