Christmas

I've been having a really interesting (lovely) experience lately. An experience that, along with some changes in my life, makes me think that I'm actually...turning a corner on my depression. I am not only being told by my best friends that they see progress; I Feel progress.

I feel good sometimes. Warm and happy -type good. And I've realized that every time I feel this (which has been like, several times in the last few weeks--which is--a LOT for me) that my mind says, "I feel like Christmas." It seems that the (most) consistent reference point in my life for feeling warm and happy has been Christmas. I honestly didn't know a person could feel like Christmas at other points of the year--much less several times within a few weeks, almost a .... kinda regular occurrence. ???? hahaha

I've been unhappy a long time.

Christmas--feeling happy, warm, hopeful, loved--is one reference point that I keep bumping into. Another is my memory of this one evening during the fall of my freshman year of high school--I was in the high school marching band--our house was near the stadium where our football games were played--and I remember walking to the game (we always performed at home games) in the cool fall air, the maple leaves turning, proudly wearing my band uniform...and I felt excited about life. About the possibilities of a new social world provided by high school and band. About possibilities period. I never felt quite that feeling again in high school-nor in college-after that fall. But this fall...the air is reminding me of that hope....that excitement, perhaps even reminding me as well of younger childhood memories of being excited for my (October) birthday, Halloween, the approach of the holiday season.

Tonight, I feel loved. I feel loved and cared for in a way that I trust. It makes me feel safe. It feels like relief and gratitude and Christmas mixed into one.

Thank you to all the beautiful people in my life who give me so much love and care and support.

More soon :)